In a world where humans are in control, yes!
However, I believe in the divine interventions of the One who created us all! So getting an answer to WHY our miscarriage happened may never come and I’m FINALLY (after 4 months) at peace with that!
It happened on Valentine’s Day of all days!
The moment you JUST KNOW that you’re going to see AND hear your baby’s heartbeat for the first time...until you don’t! The lump IMMEDIATELY forms in your throat, your heart races, your world crumbles in an instant! You’ve DREAMED of the nursery, you’ve already picked out names with big Sis! Beckett for a boy and Everly for a girl! You’ve thought about and day dreamed about those first flutters! Only to see and hear that it just isn’t going to happen!
This pregnancy, it made sense! After 4 years of waiting for our Haiti adoption we became pregnant. In the words of our adoption agent. “I just couldn’t understand why you haven’t gotten a match we NEVER have couples willing to take triblings (up to 3 siblings)! This must be God’s plan for you!”
We found out on January 28th we were pregnant! On January 29th we were to renew our home study for our adoption. Our agency was coming to our home that day for a home visit. We cancelled our appointment. This pregnancy made sense!
We tried ONCE! It happened so quickly, that too made it seem like a divine appointment!
Maybe I would have yet again taken our fertility for granted! Maybe I needed a little dose of humility. MAYBE God needed me to HIT rock bottom so I could rely on Him instead of my own understanding and ways! MAYBE just maybe He needed me to go through this EXACT same journey as a complete stranger (a sweet new friend, Beachbody coach, I met in an exclusive coach test group, also in her 40’s, pregnant, and finding out at the EXACT same time that our babies stopped growing at 6 weeks) so we could speak LIFE and TRUTH into each other’s lives! Maybe? Maybe? Maybe?
When I couldn’t find the strength to get out of bed, when my husband threatened to burn my pjs, when I couldn’t people (answer texts, phone calls, be in public...not even church) I leaned on HIM, HIS PROMISES, HIS WORD, HIS TRUTHS!
Here are some songs that I played OVER AND OVER...
“Thy Will Be Done” by Hillary Scott https://g.co/kgs/nWXYy9 written by Hillary after having a miscarriage of her own.
“Even If” by Mercy Me https://youtu.be/B6fA35Ved-Y
“So Will I” By Hillsong https://youtu.be/oLURTvUQoTM
And my favorite devo...
“Streams in the Desert” by Lettie Cowman
I would sing these songs, maybe scream them, with sobbing, tear filled eyes! Slowly SURRENDERING to Him!
The words penetrated my deepest hurt! Reassured me that “even if” God chose not to save my baby, He is God, I am not, and He has written my story! I found peace in knowing that my story has already been written! There’s a start date (birth) and an end date (death) already written on the calendar for me. THIS is part of my story! I can CHOOSE to follow Him, even though I don’t understand the WHY, GROW in my faith and in my relationship with Him! OR I can let the bitterness CONSUME me. Because it WILL if I let it!
Either way it’s a CHOICE!
I want to encourage you, sweet sister, that if you’re currently weathering this storm, take your time to HEAL! Find things that speak to your heart! It’s okay to hide (for a little while anyway)! Dig DEEP into His word! Highlight, take notes, and look back and see how He’s delivered you from this when you can finally stand on your own two feet!
Love you, Girl!!!
I mourn with you!
This road is NOT an easy one!
You ARE NOT ALONE!
Faithfully His,
Trudy💗
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